Thursday, December 28, 2006

Introducing Yahuda Bangs.....

Let's all give a fiery
A Pen Warmed In Hell welcome to today's guest author, none other than The World's Famous, Revolutionary, Firebrand, of The Far East, One Yahuda Bangs himself, most recently hailing from The Little Red Email, who has graciously deigned to grace our presence here today with his pick for A Pen Warmed In Hell's Regular Feature, which you have all come to know, and love, as our greatly anticipated:

A Pen Warmed In Hell's First Annual Political Cretin of the Year Award.

So may we bring to you, without any further adieu, the man you all know, and love, who needs no further introduction, the one and only Yahuda Bangs!

Take it away, Yahuda!

A Pen Warmed In Hell's First Annual Political Cretin of the Year
by Yahuda Bangs

One of the most time honored traditions in media is the year-end feature listing the superlative (or superlatives) in any particular category. The task this year has fallen upon me, and the category on which I’ve been asked to expound by my overlords in A Pen Warmed In Hell's Media Bunker (located deep inside Manhattan’s Underground Subway System) is that of

Political Cretin of the Year.
Occasional dalliances in the Far East aside, this column has primarily concerned itself with the field of American politics, and it is thus from this field that my candidates are drawn.

Looking back at the American body politic of 2006 provides a panoramic view of scumbaggery in all its myriad forms:

  • From the naked hypocrisy of a morally and ethically bankrupt ruling party clinging tenaciously to a fictitious moral high ground, claiming to the very end to be the party of family values (all the while sheltering pedophiles within their ranks), to the dying spasms of the same party attempting to cling to power through fear, intimidation, and outright electoral fraud.

  • From a Vice President so inured in treachery that deception was his natural strategy for dealing with a simple hunting accident, to the lapdog right wing media that attempted to spin the incident as having been the fault of the shot rather than the shooter, only to be slapped back into line by, of all people, gun nuts.

  • From the outright lies told by an American president to continue the war in Iraq, to the fraud and mismanagement committed by those whose financial interests lie in the continuation of a pointless conflict physically destroying one country while simultaneously corroding the collective soul of another.

So you see, even the most cursory glance back at 2006 produces a bumper harvest of scumbags from which to chose, and picking one choice rose from this field of bastards is a difficult task.

In choosing a “Cretin of the Year” I had to ask myself to accept the heavy responsibility of assigning ultimate blame for the horrible mess the world is in on one individual alone. The individual in question, I realized, would need to be one revered by some and despised by others, someone whose fingerprints could be found on the levers of power (even if actual power were held by some ruthless shadow-cabal, and the prints put there only for appearance).

Though there are many worthy choices for Cretin of the Year, the criteria left me with only one true candidate to fill the position of ceremonial head scumbag. Thus, without further adieu, I’d like to announce the man to whom this dubious honor is bestowed.

Our Cretin of the Year is a man who has proven himself completely divorced from reality. He is an individual whose bumbling clownishness has forever besmirched the reputation of not merely the presidency, but of the nation itself. The damage done to America’s standing in the world by our Cretin of the Year cannot be mended by the mere passing of time. Indeed, this individual’s performance record is so shoddy that his very name will go down in the annals of history as a stain on the reputation of the high office (a position gained through dubious means) itself:

Gerald R. Ford.

Though decades have passed since this buffoon, this taint on the high office itself, was removed from power, I believe I speak for everyone at when I say that that the damage done to the nation by his decision to pardon
Richard Nixon, not to mention his pithy ‘Whip Inflation Now’ button campaign, can never truly be…

Excuse me.

What? No, no, the internet’s been down since the earthquake, I haven’t seen the news since…

He what? You don’t say. Wow. That changes everything. No, no. I totally agree, that would be a bad move.

This just in.

Former President Gerald Ford has passed away at the age of 93.

A Pen Warmed In Hell wishes him a glorious afterlife. May death come swiftly to his enemies!

In unrelated news, for his unparalleled role in the ongoing destruction of Iraq and Afghanistan, for overseeing the collapse of the American military, for willfully ignoring impending environmental challenges, and for blindly leading his lemming-like constituency as well as much of the world over a cliff and into a dark abyss from which return will be nigh impossible, the A Pen Warmed In Hell award for Cretin of the Year goes to.....

George W. Bush.

Again, for the third year in a row.

Way to go, Asshole.

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